Heartbreaking Heat
by magenta13
Summary: "Pleasure of love lasts but a moment, pain of love lasts a lifetime." Tragedy strikes. Can Beckett help get him back on his feet or is the Rick Castle we know and love gone forever?
1. Chapter 1

She was having that dream again, the one where she and Castle make love on the deck of a catamaran in the middle of the ocean. She had gone for a swim in the cool blue water and returned to the boat to find a very naked Castle waiting for her. She could feel his soft lips on her collar bone, his warm hands untying her bikini top, his long, hard….

RING… RING… RING…

_Damn,_ She thought,_ Someone's always gotta die right before I get to the good part._

Being woken up in the middle of the night to go check out a body was always disconcerting for Kate, but tonight's call felt different, alarming, yes, but also foreboding. Esposito's voice sounded quiet, concerned and sad on the phone and all he said was "We got a body. I know you're not on call tonight but I think you'll wanna be here. 81st and Madison. Hurry ok?" Something about his tone turned her stomach into a rock. She climbed out of bed and got dressed as quickly as she could. On the drive to the crime scene, she just couldn't shake the feeling that something was terribly wrong.

The street corner was surrounded by squad cars and taped off. She quickly spotted Ryan and Esposito standing over the body in the alley. The looks on their faces sent Kate's worried mind into overdrive. She took and deep breath and stepped out of the car to be met immediately by Lanie.

"What the hell is going on Lanie? You all look like you've seen a ghost".

The ME answered in that same concerned tone she recognized from Esposito's phone call. "Sweetie, we called you because we know you'll want to be the one to deal with this but you need to prepare yourself."

"Jesus Lanie, just tell me what happened".

After taking a deep breath and placing a gentle hand on Kate's shoulder, she softly replied "It's Castle's daughter. The victim is Alexis"

Kate felt the world tilt. Feeling like she'd just been hit in the stomach, she couldn't breathe, couldn't think, couldn't move. This couldn't be real, this couldn't be happening. She had to see for herself. Before Lanie could say anything else, Kate had torn herself from her friend's grasp and was charging toward the lifeless figure under the sheet. She bent down, praying this was a mistake, even a dream. By the time Ryan and Esposito realized what was going on, it was too late to stop her. She slowly pulled the sheet down revealing a mess of fiery red hair and a pair of ice blue eyes that Kate recognized instantly as Castle's.

Kate felt Ryan's hand steady her as her world blurred. She stood up shakily, and realizing that she could hardly breathe, walked out of the alley and sat down on the curb. She hardly noticed when Lanie sat down a moment later and stretched her arm around Kate's shoulders. Kate felt her eyes burning and she clenched her teeth to fight back the tears.

"What happened to her?" she asked in a voice so weak it couldn't possibly have been hers.

"She was strangled. It'll take some time to confirm time of death but it appears to be between 10pm and midnight"

As her thoughts turned to Castle, Kate could swear she felt her heart stop completely.

"Has anyone talked to him?" she asked with pain in her voice.

"No honey. We think it would be best coming from you. But if you can't, Ryan and Esposito are prepared to".

"No. I'll do it" was all Kate could manage.

They sat there in silence for what seemed like an eternity. Kate gathered her resolve, stood up and made her way back to her car with the ME by her side. Lanie gave her hand a reassuring squeeze before walking back to the crime scene. Kate started the car; the only thoughts in her head were of that fiery red hair as she headed to the hardest visit she would ever have to make.

Kate had done this hundreds of times since she became an NYPD detective. She had watched families be torn to shreds over hearing about the loss of a loved one, she had seen mothers fall apart at the tragedy of the passing of a child, hell, she had even been on the other side and felt her world crumble when Detective Raglan had delivered the news of her own Mother's death. All of this experience but she knew that nothing could prepare her for what she was about to do.

Hesitantly, she knocked on the door. Realizing the hour and that he would probably be sleeping, she knocked again, this time with a little more force. After a minute, he answered. He was rubbing the sleep from his eyes, hair sticking up at odd angles, wearing nothing but a pair of flannel pajama bottoms and her heart broke for him.

"Beckett? What're you doing here?" he asked sleepily.

"Hey, Castle. Sorry to wake you. Can I come in?" she asked, making sure that she never met his eyes, knowing that he would be able to read her in a second.

"Of course" he replied, instantly sensing the gravity of the situation. "Come on in. I'm just gonna grab a shirt".

As he walked back into the bedroom, she gazed around the loft. Her eye caught sight of a small framed photo of Castle and Alexis when she was a kid. She'd never noticed it before. Alexis was about three years old and she was lying on his chest. They were both dead asleep. If she thought her heart could possibly break a little more, it would have at the sight of that picture. She was shaken out of her thoughts when he reentered the room.

"So, what's up?" he asked, motioning for her to take a seat on the couch. "Is this about a case, or did you just miss me?"

She sat silently, wringing her hands, desperately grasping for the right words to say.

Sensing her apprehension, he asked "What's going on?"

Her eyes met his for the first time and he immediately saw the pain, concern and fear in them.

"Kate. What happened?" he asked with trepidation. Part of him knowing he didn't want to hear the answer.

She grabbed his hand and took a fortifying breath.

"It's Alexis".

With those two words, Castle felt his heart stop and his world shatter. He pulled his hand away from hers and stood up, tears filling his eyes, he shook his head. Rather than leave his mind to guess or enter a state of denial, Kate continued.

"She was attacked in an alley on Madison and 81st. A waiter from a nearby restaurant found her. She's dead, Castle. I'm so sorry".

She stood up, taking a tentative step toward him but he kept backing up. He was shaking his head vigorously.

"No. No. That can't be right. It has to be a mistake. I talked to her earlier tonight, she was fine. It can't be her. It's a mistake. She was…"

"Rick," she interrupted as gently as she could, "It's not a mistake. I saw her".

With that he dropped to his knees and let out a sob that wracked his whole body. She rushed to him. She remained standing and held him close to her middle as he cried. His arms encircled her hips and held on to her like she was the only thing keeping him from slipping into the darkness. She soothingly ran her fingers through his hair as his tears soaked her blouse. Finally after what seemed like an eternity, his crying abated and he slowly pulled away from her.

"C'mon," she said tenderly, "Let's make some tea".

She helped him off the floor and led him by the hand into the kitchen. She pulled out a chair for him at the bar and helped him sit down. He complied almost as if in a trance. She began to fill the kettle when he finally spoke. The rough abruptness of his voice astonished her.

"No tea. There's a bottle of scotch in the cabinet".

She grabbed the bottle and two glasses and placed them on the counter. She poured the drinks and scooted one across the bar to him. He hastily downed his and placed it back on the counter indicating his need for a refill. She refilled his glass and leaned against the bar as she sipped from hers, not saying a word. There really was nothing to say. Finally, looking up at her, he broke the silence.

"How did it happen?"

Tears in her eyes, she looked back at him, forcing herself to be open with him. She knew that honesty was what he needed.

"She was strangled. Between 10 and midnight".

He closed his eyes, not wanting her to see the pain he was in because of her words.

"I know this is hard, it's impossible, but do you think you could answer some questions?"

"Yeah. Whatever you need".

"Where was Alexis supposed to be last night?"

"She had dinner with me here at 7:30, and then she left. She said she was going to sleep over at her friend Paige's so I didn't worry when she didn't come home last night"

These words filled him with pain. _She would never be coming home again._ He pushed past the thought and forced himself to continue, knowing that this information could lead to finding his daughter's murderer.

"But Paige lives on the upper west side; I don't understand what she'd be doing over on Madison".

"Ok. I'm gonna call the boys and give them an update. We'll get in touch with Paige and try to find out what she was doing over there".

She started dialing but stopped when she caught sight of the look on his face. It nearly tore her in two.

She grabbed his hand and said with the all the confidence and sincerity she could muster, "I'm gonna find this guy, Rick. I swear to you. He's gonna pay for what he did to her".

He nodded wearily, grabbed the bottle and retreated to his office. "I have to call my Mother. And Meredith".

After getting off the phone with Esposito and Ryan, Kate sat down on the couch, finally letting it all sink in. She wanted to cry. She wanted to throw stuff, shoot things, yell and scream. But she refused to. She was going to be strong for him. He was her rock through her Mother's case and now, she would be his. She would do whatever he needed to take his pain away. He was her partner, her friend. She had even reconciled herself with the idea that she was falling for him. After breaking up with Josh, she had decided it was time to stop fighting her feelings for him and was planning on telling him but then tonight happened. Now his little girl was dead and perhaps the Rick Castle she knew was dead too.

A/N: Oh man. Do you guys hate me for killing Alexis? This is my first fanfic EVER so let me know how I'm doing. I have ch 2 written and it is rated M. Shall I post it? Change it? Give up altogether? Please let me know what you think...


	2. Chapter 2

**_Fasten your seatbelts, kids! There are sexy times ahead. But EMOTIONAL sexy times...

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_**

She was yanked out of her thoughts by a loud CRASH! She ran into his office to find the phone that normally sat on his desk on the floor in twelve pieces. Castle sat hunched forward at his desk, his pale face in his hands, the empty bottle of scotch in front of him.

"I always hated that phone" she quipped, attempting to add some levity to the situation.

He didn't move a muscle so she hesitantly walked up beside him, pulling his shoulder backwards so he would look at her. When he finally did, she wished he hadn't. He was defeated. Rick Castle was broken. She wiped away the tears streaming down his face and pushed him further back in his chair, allowing her the room to sit down in his lap. She put her forehead against his and whispered that everything was going to be ok. She wished so badly that she could believe her own words. He closed his eyes and nodded at her words as she kissed his eyelids, tasting the salt of his tears.

They stayed like that for a long time, holding each other. She felt his hand start to move and she took this as her signal to move away from him but he caught her wrist and held her there. With his free hand he reached up and stroked her cheek, feeling her soft skin. She leaned into his touch and involuntarily closed her eyes. With her eyes closed, it would've been impossible to see his lips moving towards hers. By the time she felt them on her, it was too late; she was hooked. So when his tongue ran lightly over her bottom lip she didn't hesitate to open her mouth to him. The kiss was slow and sensual. She ran her fingers through his hair as his hands explored her waist, finally finding the small part of exposed skin where her shirt had ridden up her back. Feeling his hands on her bare skin sent a chill up her spine and just for a moment, neither of them thought about Alexis.

He pulled away and rested his forehead on her's once more. "Make me forget" he whispered.

Eyes still closed she nodded, fully understanding his meaning. She stood and taking his hand, led him out of the office and into his bedroom. Once inside she slowly closed the door, leaving him standing in the middle of the room. She walked back over to him, pulling him closer by the elastic of his flannel pants. She found his mouth and kissed him gently, nudging his nose with hers, urging him to kiss her back. When he finally did, it was slow, filled with emotion and passion. She removed her hands from him to undo the buttons of her shirt. After removing that and kicking her pants aside, she finally broke their passionate kiss to pull his shirt over his head.

She leaned forward and placed her head on his bare chest. She ran her hands gently along his abdomen and scratched lightly at his hip bones. She stretched up to kiss his neck as her hand worked its way down, past the elastic of his pants. He let loose a groan as she stroked his growing hardness. He reached behind her back to unhook her bra and was grateful that despite being drunk, he wasn't all thumbs. She removed her hand from his aching member to let the bra slide down her arms and to relieve him of his remaining clothes. She tossed the bra to the side and pulled him forward, stepping out of his pants.

She wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him into another deep kiss. She was grateful when his hands finally found her hips. This was about him, but she was dying to have his hands on her. She walked backwards, guiding them to the bed, breaking the kiss to lay herself down. He bent forward hooking his fingers under the sides of her lace panties; he pulled them down her smooth, long legs and tossed them to the side. He straightened up again and looked over her body with a mixture of desire and doubt in his eyes. She held out her hand to him, an invitation. He took it and lowered himself down on top of her. She guided his hand to her breast and felt his erection pressing into her thigh. They found themselves in a searing kiss as his hand toyed with her hard nipple and hers traced patterns across his broad shoulders.

Suddenly, he removed his hands from her body and broke the kiss, shaking his head.

"I… I'm sorry, Kate. I'm so sorry" he said, looking down as if ashamed.

She grasped his chin and forced him to look into her eyes. "Hey, it's ok", she said softly, "It's ok".

She used her arms and hips to move him more on top of her. She wrapped one of her legs around his waist and pulled him towards her entrance giving him one last reassuring kiss before he slowly eased into her. The comfort he felt from her was now replaced by a slow burning, but all-consuming fire and he began to slide in and out of her. All of his fear and pain disappeared as she rocked her hips forward to meet each of his thrusts. There was nobody but her, nothing outside of this bed. He kept the pace slow, moving in long deliberate strokes, letting his hands roam. He wanted to feel every part of her. He pulled her other leg up to wrap around his waist, changing the angle of his entry. This new angle had him sliding past a particularly sweet spot over and over. Her moans seemed like the only sound in the world.

He was close, so close that when she started biting and sucking on his neck, he was barely able to remain in control. He felt her walls flutter around him and her nails dig into his shoulders as she came, only then did he allow himself release. With one last emptying thrust, he collapsed into her, physically and emotionally exhausted. Both sweaty and panting, they remained like that, him on top her, still inside her. He laid his head down on her chest as she smoothed his hair back from his forehead and kissed it repeatedly.

They lay there in silence and in minutes, his breathing evened out as sleep took over. He was a big man and dead weight on top of her but she liked the feeling. He could put it all on her, she wanted him to. Tired as Kate was, sleep wouldn't find her. Eventually, he rolled to the side and off of her and she turned over to face him. This wasn't the way she had hoped things would happen with him, but does anything ever turn out the way we plan? If she could make him forget, even for just a little while, she would do anything. She thought about how difficult everything would be for him from here on out. Her thoughts turned back to Alexis and her heart broke all over again.

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A/N: Thank you thank you thank you for your positive support and feedback! Apparently, I desperately need the approval of total strangers :) Hope I didn't lose you all with the smut. More smut, or never again? Help me choose! Again, this is my first fanfic EVER so please let me know how I did and if I'm headed in the wrong direction with this. Next chapter is more case related (we get some Lanie time) and we get closer to finding Alexis' killer.


	3. Chapter 3

Even as the morning light streamed in onto Kate's face, she was still unable to fall asleep. She had spent the past two hours watching Castle, listening to his calm and even breathing. His face was a picture of peace and she wished he could stay that way forever, lost in dreams, away from the tragedy that had recently become his life. She wondered what he was dreaming of and found herself hoping that she was included in it somehow.

The events of the previous night worried her. Not only would she now have to deal with an extremely emotional Castle, but last night, they had crossed a line. That line between friendship and… what were they now anyway? Lovers seemed an inappropriate term. They had only slept together once and even then it was while he was drowning in sadness and scotch. Would he even remember? Had she just used this delicate and awful situation to take advantage of the man she had secretly wanted for years? After all, she was the one reassuring him that it was ok. The thoughts swirling in her head made her start to panic. One thing was for sure, she needed to get out of his bed.

She slipped out of his bedroom as quietly as she could, tiptoeing across the floor and picking up discarded clothing as she went. She snuck upstairs to use the shower in the guest bedroom as not to wake him. But the shower, she knew, was dangerous. The shower provided isolation and time to think and as much as she tried to fight it, Kate's mind eventually wandered to Alexis.

Those piercing blue eyes staring lifelessly out from under that sheet; it was almost more than she could bear. Her back slid down the cool tile of the shower and she found herself sitting on the floor, the warm water mixing with her tears and raining down over her shaking body. She finally allowed herself to give in to the emotion she had been fighting so hard to ignore. She thought about all of the things Alexis would never be able to do like go to college or ride a Vespa, and all the things she could've become, like a mom or a writer or a professional evidence room organizer. So much beauty, so much potential, so much compassion, gone with the tightening of a rope. Anger stirred within her. Anger at whoever would take her innocent life, even anger at herself for not being able to protect the girl. With renewed resolve, she picked herself up off the floor and a familiar feeling seeped into her heart that made Johanna Beckett's face flash across her memory. She was gonna catch the bastard responsible for this, even if it killed her.

After getting dressed, she returned downstairs. She brewed coffee and prepared herself to call Lanie and the boys to see how the investigation was going. This was going to be tough. Just the memory of seeing Alexis under that sheet made her feel nauseas. But she owed it to Alexis to find the man who did this, and she had sworn it to Castle and to herself. She took a deep breath, hit 3 on her speed dial and pressed _send_.

"Esposito" said the voice at the other end.

"Hey. It's Beckett. What've you found?"

"We've got uniforms canvassing the area for witnesses and Ryan and I just talked to that girl Paige. She said that the victim…er… Alexis, was supposed to come to her house to sleep over but not until 11. She was gonna go meet her boyfriend first at a coffee shop. Paige figured when she didn't end up coming over, she just decided to stay out late with her boyfriend". He wanted to kick himself for calling Alexis "the victim".

"That explains why Castle thought she was going to be at her friend's house" she replied thoughtfully.

"Yeah but I always thought Alexis was a good kid. She doesn't seem like the type to lie to her Dad and sneak off to see her boyfriend".

"Don't make it sound so nefarious, Esposito. Obviously you have never been a teenage girl. She was a good kid. She was just meeting her boyfriend for coffee, it's not like they were robbing liquor stores and hanging out in crack houses".

"Well anyway, we're trying to get in touch with her boyfriend and his parents but apparently the family left on vacation early this morning. They're on a plane to Vancouver but we'll keep trying 'em. Oh and another thing, we couldn't find her wallet. Could be a robbery…"

"Or…" she interrupted; "it could be someone trying to buy more time thinking it would take awhile to identify her or they were trying to throw us off the trail by making it look like a robbery. Ok. Thanks Esposito. Keep me updated".

"Beckett! Wait!"

"Yeah?"

"H… how's he doing?"

"He's…"she hesitated; "He's taking it pretty hard" was all she could say.

"Well I guess that's to be expected. We all know how much he loved her. She was his whole world".

"Yeah" she replied, fighting back the tears.

"Tell him to hang in there".

"I will". She hung up; afraid she might lose control of her emotions over the phone.

After hanging up the phone, she sat in silence, fighting with all her might to tamp down the feelings that kept threatening to bubble to the surface. This next call would be much worse. The ME would not only provide even more graphic detail of Alexis' murder but would no doubt probe much further for the emotional condition of a certain writer than Esposito had. She steadied herself and hit number 2 on her speed dial.

"Hey Sweetie" Lanie answered. She was really the only one of them who ever checked their caller ID. The only one besides Castle, that is.

"Hey Lanie, what have you got for me" she replied, immediately getting down to business.

"Well I've narrowed down our time of death. Based on liver temp, she was killed between 10 and 10:30pm. She had her purse on her but no wallet so I'm lifting prints from the purse to see if our killer left any behind when he took it out. As far as a murder weapon goes, there's not much more than we already knew at the crime scene. She was strangled, definitely by a pretty strong man based on the depth of the ligature marks, but I'm still working on figuring out with what".

"Thanks Lanie. Call me when you find something". She was about to hang up when she heard the ME's forceful voice barking back at her.

"Hold on just one second there Kate! You're just gonna call me up to ask about the progress on the investigation of the murder of _Castle's daughter_ and then hang up? What's wrong with you?"

"So many things, Lanie. You have no idea".

Hearing the defeat in Kate's voice, she softened. "Well… go on then… tell me how he's doing".

She debated lying, telling her he was ok and working through it but Lanie had a way of always weaseling the truth out of Kate anyway (another thing she had in common with Castle). So instead, she told the truth.

"He's a mess Lanie. What do you expect? He drank a shitload of scotch, threw a phone against the wall and bawled his eyes out".

"And how are you doing?"

That was the dreaded question.

"I'm ok" she lied. This question deserved a lie.

"Honey, you just had to tell your friend and partner that his baby girl was murdered. This isn't like the other times you've had to tell people that their kids are dead, this time you had to stick around for the grieving process. So forgive me if I don't believe you when you say 'I'm ok'".

"You're right" Kate offered, unshed tears burning in her eyes. "I'm not ok. I had to watch him fall apart and wonder if he can ever be put back together again. And on top of it all, I think I made a big mistake".

"What mistake?"

There was a long pause but Lanie was a patient woman and she could tell that Kate was having a hard time deciding just how much information to give up.

"I had sex with him, Lanie. It was stupid and impulsive and selfish". Her voice was shaky and small.

"Selfish?" the ME asked, stunned.

"I've wanted this for awhile. A lot longer than I really cared to admit before now. Part of me feels like I just wanted to help him forget for a little while but the other part… I feel like maybe I took advantage of a really horrible situation just to be with him, to make him need me and that makes me _hate_ myself".

"You're timing is bad, I will give you that. But Kate, he needed you long before last night. Why do you think he keeps coming back to the precinct even though he's got enough freaky murder ideas to last a lifetime? _You._ Maybe this was not as big of a mistake as you think it is".

"I don't know, Lanie. I'm afraid that he won't be able to trust me anymore. He's needs someone to lean on and I understand what he's going through better than anyone, but I'm worried that this changes everything. He's so sad and angry. Half of me wants to hold him but the other half of me just wants to run".

"That man cannot handle another woman he cares about disappearing from his life. Get it together Kate! Whether you keep sleeping with him or not is up to you but don't you dare run away. You hold him until he isn't scared or angry anymore!" Lanie's commands had taken on a familiar tone that made Kate wonder if the next sentence out of her mouth would be 'Girl, I'mma smack you!' Instead she continued with, "Just tell him we all love him and that we're here for him. Whatever he needs".

"Yes ma'am" Kate answered with a half smile. "I gotta go, Lanie. Bye."

A drawn out and skeptical "Mmmhmm" was all the ME offered as a goodbye.

Kate hung up the phone feeling lighter but possibly even more confused than she was before. She thought about it for a few minutes while drinking her coffee. She did want to be with Castle. If she didn't know that already, last night confirmed it. But her feelings took a backseat to his needs. He just lost his daughter for God's sake. She would be there for him in any capacity that he wanted her to be. Now if she could just figure out how fight that urge to bolt long enough to tell him this.

Right on cue, a robe-clad, sleepy and still slightly drunk Castle trudged out of his bedroom.

A/N: Wow. The support and response I have received from you guys has been overwhelming! It's a nerve-racking thing to post stories (especially for me, since I'm new at this) but the reviews and story alerts have given me the confidence to continue writing this. Thank you SO MUCH.

Reviewer MCO: You made a great point in your review. I have more chapters written following the current series of events so it's a little too late to change it now but PM me because I would love to figure out how to fit your idea in.


	4. Chapter 4

Castle had never looked worse. His skin was pale, his hair was a mess, he had dark circles around his blood shot eyes and he wore a look of defeat that scared the hell out of Beckett.

"Hey" was all she could manage.

Without a word, he turned, walked up the stairs and disappeared from sight. She sat there a moment, completely confused and more than a little worried about what had just happened. _Where is he going?_ The answer hit her like a freight train. She bolted up the stairs after him and found him sitting on the edge of the bed that used to belong to his daughter.

No tears, no hysterics, just that beaten face that pierced Kate straight through the heart. Tentatively, almost as if she were approaching a wild animal, she stepped forward and sat down beside him on the bed. As they sat there in silence, looking around the room that contained so many memories, now bittersweet, she could swear she was hearing his heart break. Without a second thought, she grabbed his hand and laced their fingers together, silently telling him that he could hold on to her. As the minutes passed, he was the first to speak.

"I thought maybe it was a dream. I…" he faltered. "This morning when I woke up, I thought maybe it could've all been in my head. That maybe when I came up here, she would be asleep in her bed. That she would get mad at me for waking her up so early on a Saturday but she would forgive me if I promised to make her chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast".

At this, silent tears began streaming down both of their cheeks. She unlaced their fingers and scooted over, pulling his head down into her lap. He closed his eyes and she reverently wiped the tears from his face. She leaned down and softly whispered the only words she could possibly think of to comfort him.

"This isn't a dream, Rick. And I know it feels like the world is caving in right now but you have to trust me when I say that it's gonna get better. I promise you it will".

He nodded his head but she couldn't tell if he believed her or not. They stayed there for some time; him, eyes closed as if keeping them shut could keep him out of reality; her, stroking his hair and gently rocking him as if he were a child. Just as she was about to recommend they go downstairs for a cup of coffee, he leapt up suddenly and made a beeline to the bathroom. She had almost forgotten about how much he drank last night.

She followed him into the bathroom and rubbed his back soothingly as he violently expelled the contents of his stomach, finally resting his head on the toilet seat.

"C'mon" she said after giving him a minute to compose himself. "Let's go downstairs. A shower and some breakfast will make you feel better".

She helped him to his feet and led him back down the stairs. She turned on the warm water in the shower and left him alone to go make them something to eat. She settled on toast. _He needs something light_.

When he emerged from his bedroom, unshaven but freshly showered and wearing a clean t-shirt and jeans, she was relieved that he was looking and acting a little more like the Castle she knew. He sat at the bar and she scooted a large glass of water and three aspirin towards him.

"Drink this, take those".

He obeyed as she placed a plate with a lightly buttered piece of toast in front of him.

"No thanks, not hungry".

"You need to eat, Castle. It'll make you feel better".

Maybe more out of habit than actual desire to eat, he gave in.

"Is your Mother coming back in to town today?"

"Yeah. She said she would catch the first flight out this morning. Meredith should be here later this afternoon". He looked up at her with seriousness in his eyes. "Thanks for being here with me. I wouldn't have made it through last night without you".

She nodded, not really sure in which sense her 'being there' had helped him. She was dreading this conversation. She wanted to know how he felt about last night but in true Kate Beckett form, she was terrified of telling him how she felt about making love to him. Probably sensing this, he changed the subject, but to something she was dreading even more.

"Tell me about the investigation".

"Are you sure you wanna hear this, Castle?"

"Yeah. Tell it to me straight, Beckett. I need to know" he responded darkly.

"She was supposed to sleep at Paige's last night but she went to meet Ashley first at a coffee shop. We're trying to get in touch with him but he's on a plane".

"That's right. He was supposed to leave for Canada this morning. Why wouldn't Alexis tell me she was meeting him? She was upset because he was going to be gone for a whole three weeks". He chuckled sadly, lost in the memory then looked back at Kate. "Young love huh? Poor kid's gonna be devastated".

It struck her as sweet that he was so concerned about Alexis' boyfriend. Castle could be very sensitive to others at times. She nodded, discerning that it was her time to continue.

"From there, we're not sure where she went. Her wallet was missing so we're looking into the possibility of a robbery".

"Or it could be someone trying to throw us off making it look like a robbery or someone trying to make it harder to identify her".

She nodded her head and had to fight back a smile as she realized his words mirrored the ones she had said to Esposito over the phone. They really were a good team.

"Lanie is still doing her examination, but she was able to tell us that it happened between 10 and 10:30 last night".

He stayed silent, eyes fixed on the floor and she could tell he was struggling with the thought of his little girl on an autopsy table. Apparently he was able to push that image away because he looked up at her, a question in his eyes.

"What can I do?"

The look in his eyes reminded her of her own feelings of helplessness during her Mother's murder investigation.

"Right now, nothing". She saw his face fall. "Just take care of yourself and trust me when I tell you that I'm gonna find this guy. You'll be the first to know any new information I get".

He nodded and all she wanted to do was kiss that crestfallen look away. She may very well have acted on that desire if Martha hadn't walked in the door just then. Her eyes were puffy, her hair was disheveled and despite her best attempts to keep it together, one look at her son freed the tears she was fighting so hard to keep captive behind her eyes. Castle walked over to her and guided her to the couch. He held her as she cried and Kate stepped into his office to give them some privacy.

She was checking her email when Martha's red face appeared in the doorway twenty minutes later. She stood up from the desk and met the still trembling woman in the middle of the office with a warm hug. They sat down on the couch and Kate could feel her own tears threaten to resurface as she recognized the same pain she had seen in Castle's eyes, residing in Martha's.

"I don't know what to say to him" Martha said, wasting no time on pleasantries. "My son is hurting and I don't know how to comfort him. In fact…" she said with an almost angry laugh at the irony of it all, "he's the one comforting me!"

Kate thought carefully about her next words.

"When my Mom died, it was hell for both my Dad and I. We had to take care of each other". She paused, battling back the ache that these particular memories caused. "Some days, Rick's going to be the strong one. Other days, it'll be you. But you'll get through this, together".

Martha nodded appreciatively, knowing how much it took for Kate to share that piece of herself.

Realizing that Martha had understood her meaning and found some solace in her words, Kate changed the subject.

"I have to get down to the precinct, make sure the investigation is moving forward".

"Of course dear", Martha answered, inferring Kate's implication. "We'll be ok. I'll take care of him".

Kate stood up and walked out of the office but returned to the doorway when she heard Martha call after her.

"Kate!"

"Yes?"

Kate saw rage flash through Martha's eyes as spoke again. "Do whatever you have to do to find the son of a bitch who did this to Alexis".

"I will" she responded. "I will".

When she exited the office, Castle was there to meet her. She could tell by the way he looked at her that he already knew she was leaving and where she was going. He walked her to the door and helped her into her coat. She turned around and leaned up to give him a kiss on the cheek.

"I'll be back" was all she said.

She walked away wishing so badly that the old Castle would make an appearance and ask her to say it again, but this time like the Terminator. He didn't.

* * *

A/N: Well folks, that was chapter 4. What did you think? It felt a little too... I don't know, neat maybe? I would love some feedback. Chapter 5 will be more case related. Chapter 6 will either be heavily emotional or more sexy times ;) Tell me what you think would fit best...


	5. Chapter 5

After leaving Castle's loft, she had returned to her apartment to change. It was 9am when Beckett finally reached the precinct. It felt strange there, quiet and reverent. Castle had been working with the 12th for so long that they considered him to be one of their own. She could instantly feel their pity for him and by extension, her. She hated it.

She walked quickly in hopes of avoiding any conversation or questions. She was in no mood to placate curious cops. Halfway across the bullpen, she passed Ryan and Esposito and motioned for them to follow her to her desk. Wasting no time, she dove directly into the investigation.

"Where are we?" she said abruptly.

Ryan spoke up eagerly as if to prove their tenacity to her. "We got a match on the print Lanie found on Alexis' purse. It belongs to a homeless guy named Charles Cole, age 41. Panhandles around the Upper East Side. He's kind of famous around there. They call him the Petulant Prince of Park Avenue".

Esposito took over. "The thing is, Cole has a tendency to get a little belligerent when he feels like someone who could afford to toss him a few bones chooses not to. Last year, he was brought in on two separate occasions, once for harassing a group of Japanese tourists and again for assaulting a woman walking out of Saks Fifth Avenue".

"Well," said Beckett. "Sounds like Cole could be our guy. Maybe he approaches Alexis, looking for a contribution, she declines, he gets angry and…"

She knew she wouldn't be able to finish that sentence, but she didn't have to. They all knew the painfully glaring truth. A terrified Alexis had the life strangled out of her. There was no need to say it out loud.

Ryan pressed forward. "We have uniforms out looking for him but no luck so far".

"Did you find any witnesses when you canvassed the area?"

It was Esposito's turn. "Sorry boss, no one in the area saw or heard anything out of the ordinary".

"Ok. Thanks guys".

She looked down at her desk and began writing down these new details but looked back up when she noticed that Ryan and Esposito hadn't moved. They stood there for a moment, their eyes were sad but they had goofy, forced smiles on their faces, like they were trying to cheer her up without letting her know. Something about it reminded her of the summer Castle spent in the Hamptons.

"We'll get him, Beckett" Esposito said before they walked back their desks.

His words provided a small temporary comfort that dissipated as she tacked a picture of a smiling and carefree Alexis onto the murder board. It was soon followed by a timeline, a list of relevant forensic evidence and a picture of their suspect Charles Cole. She stepped back to take in the finished product when she heard the ding of the elevator and looked up to see Castle.

When she saw him, Beckett sprang into action, spinning the murder board around so the information it contained was only visible to the wall. _He doesn't need to see that._ She looked back at him, noticing that he looked more like an echo of Castle, rather than the man himself. Silence spread through the bullpen as the inhabitants became aware of his presence. Fortunately, he didn't seem to notice, his stare was trained on the floor as he approached. He finally met her eyes and she found that his were puffier and redder than she had initially observed. He had obviously been crying all morning. She nodded her head towards the empty break room. He lead and she followed.

He sat down on the couch as she closed the doors, giving them as much privacy as possible in a crowded police station. She pulled up a chair to sit across from him and took his hand.

"What are you doing here?" she asked gently.

He stared down at their hands, unable to meet her gaze. "I didn't know where else to go" he answered honestly.

Her heart burned inside her at these words. She understood his meaning all too well. He had no sanctuary. Home was filled with memories. The streets were cold and unfeeling, the city itself, so full of painful reminders. But despite this understanding, she knew he couldn't stay. Not in the state he was in. He would want to be involved but that was impossible.

"Give yourself some time. You need to go home".

"I can't" he replied, shaking his head. "She's everywhere there".

"You can't stay here, Castle. Not with all of this going on".

A knock on the door interrupted them and Ryan poked his head in.

"Hey Castle" he said with a sad smile. "Sorry to interrupt. Beckett, can I talk to you for a second?"

Castle let go of Kate's hand regretfully. She stood up and walked out of the door, knowing that whatever Ryan had to say must have been important for him to interrupt like that.

"We were watching Alexis' credit cards to see if the perp would be dumb enough to try and use one".

"And…?"

"And, he was dumb enough. He tried to make a purchase at a Walgreens on 3rd and East 68th. Uniforms have already picked him up. He'll be here pretty soon so you may wanna get Castle out of here".

"Ok. Thanks Ryan" she said and walked back into the break room.

Castle was waiting patiently but he could tell that Ryan had news about the case and he was anxious to hear it.

As soon as she closed the door again, he spoke up "What's going on?"

She sat back down and took a moment to figure out how best to tell him. She settled on honest and simple. "We have a suspect" she answered. She should probably have ended it there, given that he could in no way be part of this investigation, but his dull eyes begged for more.

"We found a match for the print Lanie lifted from the purse. It belongs to a homeless guy who has a few priors. He just tried to use her credit card".

"So you're bringing him in?"

She nodded, trying to gather her fortitude for what she had to say to him next.

"You need to leave, Castle" she said sternly but with an apology in her eyes.

"Not a chance in Hell! Alexis was my daughter! _Mine. _I'm not going anywhere" he snarled, fire in his stare.

She kept her voice calm; knowing that getting worked up would be counterproductive. "That's exactly why you need to leave. You know you can't be involved in any part of this investigation. _Please_, Rick. If this is our guy, we need this to go smoothly so the charges will stick".

Midway through her pleading, his eyes had wandered out of the break room window to the bullpen and she wondered if he was hearing her at all. He wasn't. She turned to see what he was looking at, instantly concerned when she saw the object of his gaze; a middle-aged man in serious need of a bath, wearing ragged clothes and a smirk being led in handcuffs to interrogation by Ryan and Esposito. It was Charles Cole.

She turned back to him and saw pure rage. His eyes were jet black. His jaw and fists were clenched. She tried to grab on to his arm but he ripped himself out of her grasp with furious strength. He stormed out of the break room door and headed straight for Cole.

"Was it you, you son of a bitch? Did you kill her, did you murder my daughter?" he roared, crossing the room in a thunderous frenzy, knocking desks , chairs and people out of the way as he went.

Before Beckett could catch up or Ryan and Esposito could stop him, Castle had the suspect by the neck, pinning him to the wall. "I'm gonna rip your fuckin' throat out, I swear to God I will" he growled at the speechless and terrified Cole.

Before he could make good on his promise Ryan and Esposito grabbed his arms and tore him away from Cole, dragging him backwards. He fought their hold on him until he felt a gentle hand on his chest and looked up to see Kate's face begging him to calm down. Only then did he allow them to lead him away into an unoccupied interrogation room.

Castle sat down at the table heavily, exhausted from the outpouring of emotion. Ryan and Esposito seemed hesitant to leave Beckett alone with him in his current state of rage but she gave them a reassuring nod, telling them that she would be fine and they exited the room without a word.

He wouldn't look at. He was ashamed and terrified that if he did look at her, her expression would be one of disappointment.

"I'm not leaving" he said defiantly.

She understood. He needed closure, he needed justice, but she couldn't have him anywhere near Cole and he simply wouldn't leave. So she did the only thing she could think of. She pulled his hands behind his back and handcuffed him to the chair.

"What're you arresting me?" he snorted.

"No. You're not under arrest. But you're out of control. You're jeopardizing this investigation and I'm afraid you're gonna hurt yourself or someone else. You're scaring me, Rick" she said pulling his wallet out of his pocket. She put the key in her own pocket and placed his wallet on the table.

She watched his face fall as understanding hit him. He had been wild, impulsive and ruthless. He wanted to apologize, to tell her she didn't need to be afraid of him but she was already gone and the door was shutting behind her. The tears started to fall again and he hoped that no one was standing behind the two way mirror to see them.

She dodged the concerned questions and stares of everyone in the bullpen and made her way to the bathroom. She needed a moment to compose herself before questioning Cole. She splashed some water on her cheeks and looked in the mirror. She didn't look like herself. The sleeplessness of the previous night was written all over her, but there was something else. It took a moment to pinpoint it but she finally figured out what her face was trying to say; she was lost. She was lost because he was lost. And that frightened her. Over the years he had become her constant. He had said "always" and meant it. But she had never seen Castle this way. She had no idea he was capable of such brute hate. Her Castle would never hurt a fly. Her Castle would never use the word 'fuck' in front of her. Her Castle would get a mischievous, lusty look in his eye and make a suggestive joke if she handcuffed him to a chair. Her Castle…

She was filled with sorrow and fear at the realization that the man in Interrogation Room C was not her Castle.

Kate was not a religious woman, but there in that bathroom, she prayed like she never had before that one day, _her _Rick Castle would return to her, for both their sakes.

* * *

A/N: That was pretty intense if I do say so myself. Here's where I need your help readers and reviewers... We are at a fork in the road. The next chapter contains a tender moment between Castle and Beckett but I'm wondering if it's too soon. Does the old Castle start to make a return (very subtly, mind you. He is still VERY upset) or is angry, sad Castle still around? I have to be honest, I miss the old Castle just as much as Beckett does :( Help me out, guys! I wanna know what you think!


	6. Chapter 6

The sweetest, joy, the wildest woe is love. -Philip James Bailey

Happy Valentine's Day! I'm not sure anyone can truly understand love, but whatever love is, it's really beautiful.

* * *

Charles Cole was not a nice man. Even at first glance Kate could tell he was the kind of man capable of strangling a young girl in an alley for a few bucks. His teeth were rotting, his black hair was greasy and he had a darkness in his eyes that she recognized from nightmares. Being alone in close quarters with this creep was the last thing she wanted to do. The desire to hit this guy in the balls was strong but the desire to get her Castle back was stronger. She needed him, he needed closure. It was as simple as that.

"Well, look what we have here" he said with a nasty smirk as she entered the room. "If I'd known a hot piece of ass like you worked here, I would've done something worthy of a strip search".

"Let's cut the shit, Charles". Her voice was even and confident even though she felt a sea of self-doubt swelling inside of her. She struggled to keep her demeanor aloof, almost icy all the while wishing deep inside that she didn't always have to be so strong. "Why don't you start by telling me how you got your hands on Alexis Castle's wallet?"

"Alexis who? I don't know who you're talking about". He was trying to toy with her.

"Don't play dumb with me. You were trying to use her credit card when we picked you up".

"Oh that? I found it in a dumpster" he said rebelliously.

"You really are one stupid son of a bitch aren't you?" She felt her anger start to flare up but managed to get herself back under control. "We found your fingerprints on her purse from when you took her wallet out. Here's a tip Charles, next time you rob and strangle a girl in an alley, don't leave your fingerprints all over her bag and don't use her credit card the next day".

"Whoa, whoa. Hold on a second, lady. I never touched that girl". Suddenly he wasn't sounding so tough. "She was dead when I got there. I saw she still had her purse around her arm and I figured she wouldn't need it anymore, so I just reached inside and grabbed her wallet. Times are tough, ya know?"

"So you found a dead girl, and you decided that instead of calling the police, you would just take her wallet instead. Nice. You really expect me to believe that story?"

"It's the truth!" he shouted defensively.

She moved on to a different tactic. "Where were you between 10 and 10:30pm last night?"

"I was at a shelter in East Harlem from 8 til 11. After that they kicked me out for scrappin' with some sticky-fingered kid. The little bastard was trying to steal my watch!"

"What's the name?"

"The kid's name? I don't know! I never seen him before last night!"

"Not the name of the kid, jackass, the name of the shelter" Beckett said, trying not to sound amused.

"I don't remember but it's on 100th. Between Lex and 3rd. Call 'em if you don't believe me".

Beckett nodded at the mirror and Ryan and Esposito took it as their cue to go run down Cole's alibi.

Five minutes later, the shelter had been called and Cole's alibi had been confirmed. He was however, charged with tampering with evidence and sent to booking. Beckett wished it was a crime to be so slimy, then, she could have another thing to charge him with. She went back to the murder board and took Charles Cole's picture out from under the suspect heading. She mentally smacked herself when she realized she had forgotten about Castle, chained up in an interrogation room. She only remembered because she had turned the murder board around when he arrived and she had to walk around the back side of it to make her changes.

She didn't want to go into that room with him. She was disappointed enough, she didn't need his eyes telling her the same thing she already knew; they were back at square one. She walked toward his temporary cell but at the last second skittered into the observation booth for Interrogation Room C instead of into the room itself. She wanted to see him but she didn't want him to see her yet.

What she found when she got there was not what she expected. The last time she saw him, he was a volcano of emotion, seething in angst and hate. Now he sat, still, calm, submissive; almost like a child. His head was down on the table and turned to the side, resting on his ear. His face remained sad but it had taken on a hue of acceptance. She saw his lips moving slowly so she turned on the speaker connected to the microphone in the interrogation room. At first, she thought he was talking but after listening for a moment, she realized he was singing softly. It took her a moment but she recognized the words and the melody as "Sunshine on my Shoulders". Her heart hit the floor when she remembered Castle telling her about the personal significance of the song. When Alexis was small she would make him sing it to her over and over when she was sick. Now he was singing it to soothe his own sick heart.

She had to fight hard to keep her emotions at bay. Hearing him so weak and fragile was more than she could bear. She turned off the speaker and stepped out of the room. She took a deep breath and was about to step into Castle's room when Captain Montgomery beckoned to her to come into his office. He didn't look too happy. The Captain had been late this morning and missed Castle's assault of the suspect. She walked toward his office saying a prayer with every step that he wouldn't try to take her off the case because of her connection to Castle and Alexis.

"Beckett, what the hell is Castle doing here?" he demanded.

"Well sir, he stopped by to check on the progress of the case". It wasn't entirely a lie but she figured it was inappropriate to tell Montgomery that Castle was here because a loft filled with memories of his dead child was hell to him.

"Tell me, Detective, does checking on the progress of a case involve throttling a suspect?"

"Uh, no sir. We tried to stop him; he got carried away is all. Cole was fine; it was just a little misunderstanding".

"If it was just a little misunderstanding, why is Castle handcuffed to a chair in Interrogation Room C?" he asked with an air of skepticism.

"He was a little worked up. I'm sending him home now" she promised, hoping that if she could get Castle out of there, she would still have a chance of staying on the case.

"Now, Beckett, I want you working on this. You're the best I got and we owe it to Castle and Alexis to get this closed up fast. But if I see that you're friendship with Castle is interfering with this investigation, I'll have no choice but to turn it over to someone else. Are we clear?"

"Crystal, sir". She began to walk out of his office but he interrupted her exit.

He switched gears and spoke out of concern for a friend rather than as Police Captain. "Take care of him. He's gonna need you".

"Yes, sir" she said as she walked out the door.

Kate appreciated the Captain's words. 'Take care of him' kept running through her head as she approached the door to the interrogation room and they helped her hold on to her resolve. She pressed her ear against the door to see if he was still singing. He was.

She knocked gently before opening the door, as not to startle him. He picked his head up off the table and gave her a wan smile which she returned. She walked behind him and released him from the handcuffs.

"I'm glad you came back. I thought I might have to chew through my own arm to get out of here" He rubbed his wrists where the restraints had been.

"You were only in here for like 20 minutes, ya big baby". She took a seat on the opposite side of the table. She couldn't express how grateful she was for the semi-familiar banter.

"Was it him?" he asked with an almost hopeful look.

"No. He has a solid alibi. He just found her and decided to take her wallet. I'm sorry, Castle but it looks like we're back where we started".

His face was sorrowful but she could see the wheels turning. "Not necessarily. At least now we know it wasn't random".

"That's true" she replied thoughtfully. "Someone had some other reason to want her dead. Maybe she was followed or he knew where she was meeting her boyfriend".

"We have to talk to Ashley" they said in unison. Their theory building was neither pleasant nor lively when its purpose was to catch his daughter's killer.

"Actually," she corrected, "_I_ need to talk to Ashley. _You_ need to go home".

He nodded in understanding "I'm sorry about what happened earlier. I don't know what came over me. I didn't mean to scare you. I don't ever want to scare you, but when I saw him… I just snapped".

"You let your emotions get the better of you. I understand that. But you need to understand that as valid as your anger is, it can hurt this investigation and if you react again like you did, Montgomery's gonna kick me off this case. I'm will find him, Castle but you have to trust me and let me do my job".

"I trust you. You're the _only _one I trust".

"Ok". After a pause, she offered, "I'll walk you downstairs".

She grabbed his hand and walked out into the bullpen. Wondering eyes stared and hushed whispers spread throughout the precinct as they entered the elevator.

As soon as the door closed, his lips were on hers, eager and hungry. It was unexpected but her arms encircled his shoulders and she let out a gasp as he slammed her into the wall. Her hands made their way to the inside of his coat. Wrapping her arms around his waist, she pulled him tightly to her while his hands were fixed on the wall on either side of her head. Suddenly, the kiss became tender, slow, almost sweet. He pulled back; the look in his eyes, a mixture of grief, longing and sincerity. He nuzzled his face into her hair and whispered in her ear.

"You wanna know why I came down here today? This. I couldn't stay at home and the only place I wanted to go was wherever you are. Last night, you helped me forget and I'm grateful. But the thing is, Kate, just being around you makes me feel a little better. I feel like I'm falling apart and I don't know how I'm ever gonna get through this but don't give up on me ok?"

She was about to respond when the elevator reached the ground floor with a moment-shattering DING. He removed himself from her grasp and walked out of the elevator.

"Rick!" She called after him but remained in the elevator. "I'm not going anywhere".

He turned and gave her an appreciative grin. And even though it was still laced with sadness, that smile was the most Castle-like thing she had seen him do in what seemed like an eternity. The elevator door closed, separating her from him before she had a chance to return the expression.

* * *

A/N: I figured we should lighten it up a bit for a moment, but don't worry intense Castle will be back! Thank you all so much for your reviews and ideas! They are **_so_** helpful. When I'm not sure about where to take the story or if I'm getting the characters right, I can always count on you fanfic reviewers! PLEASE keep them coming! They really do help shape the story. And tell me what you thought of this chapter!


	7. Chapter 7

On the ride back up to the sixth floor, Kate closed her eyes and wondered what exactly this all meant. Was she a fool to think that things could still work out between them? No _healthy _relationship could start under these horrible circumstances. His kid was dead. Wasn't it too soon to be even thinking about this? His emotions were raw. For now he was sweet and earnest but tomorrow he could be back to irate and callous or worse, withdrawn and lost. Her head told her that he needed time to grieve, time to redefine himself after a world-rocking tragedy like this, but her heart whispered that maybe, just maybe, if she put herself out there, he could have a reason to keep going, a future to look forward to. Walking back to her desk, she made a mental note to call Lanie later. She really needed to talk this out.

Kate spent the next two hours poring over everything she could find about Alexis' personal life. She couldn't come up with one thing that Alexis Castle had ever done that would make someone want to kill her. Her friends and family all agreed; everyone loved her. That's when she turned to the fan letters. She hoped with all her might that Alexis wasn't killed by an obsessed Derek Storm or Nikki Heat psychopath. She knew Castle would blame himself. There was the occasional creepy letter, but nothing that screamed murder.

Around lunchtime, they received a call from a very upset Ashley. He had finally landed in Vancouver but was getting on the next flight home. He informed them that he and Alexis met in the park at 8pm. From there, they walked to Timothy's on 81st and Lex for coffee. They stayed there until the place closed at 9:30. They parted ways in front of the coffee shop because he needed to go home and pack for his trip and she wanted to check out the rare book store next door to look for a birthday present for her Dad. Beckett tried her best to console the teen but he was utterly wounded. She felt awful having to be the one to smash all of his dreams of a future with Alexis. It may have been young love, but it was love nonetheless.

She took a trip down to the rare book store. When she showed him a picture of Alexis, the elderly owner confirmed that she had been in the previous night.

"She came in around 9:30" he told her. "Sat in the children's books section and read through a few things but didn't buy any. We had a nice chat though. She asked if we had a first edition of 'The Giving Tree'. When I told her no, she said it was a birthday gift for her Father. She said that it was his favorite one to read to her when she was a kid. Nice girl. I closed up shop and left promptly at ten, and she left not two minutes before".

On the way back to the precinct, Kate thought about Alexis as a little girl. She could easily picture her bright red curls a mess against her Dad's white t-shirt, her little body curled into his side, listening to his gentle voice reading "Once there was a tree… and she loved a little boy". Alexis was his whole life. Writing, crime-fighting, lavish parties, expensive cars; these were not Rick Castle, she had learned that after their years together. The only thing he could be accurately identified as was a father. What would he do with himself now that Alexis was gone? She finally fully understood just how big of a loss this was for him. She wanted to call him, tell him everything that was on her mind but she thought if she heard his voice, she would break. So she opted for a text. A much less revealing text.

_How are you feeling?_

**Meredith got here an hour ago. She hasn't said a word. I don't know what to do**

_She just needs some time. She's in shock_

**I wish you here**

Kate was trying to figure out how to answer that when the phone on her desk rang.

"Beckett".

"Uh hey".

"Oh hey, Lanie. I was actually gonna call you. I…"

The ME eagerly cut her off. "Kate, I need to talk to you about Alexis' case. I've finished my examination of her body and well…"

"What is it, Lanie?"

"I found something in her mouth. It's a note, handwritten".

"A note? What does it say?"

"It says…um…" she paused, really not wanting to repeat the killer's words, "Silly Ricky, you brought this on yourself. You're 'muse' is the next to go".

The phone line went silent. The taunting tone in which the note was written sent a chill down her back. Lanie was concerned for her friend's safety but Kate was more concerned about Castle. He would be devastated at the note's implication. He would no doubt blame himself for Alexis' death. On top of that, the killer's objective was to hurt Castle. He could literally be in danger. She was so lost in her thoughts that she forgot she was still on the phone with Lanie.

"Kate? Kate! KATE!"

"Huh? Oh sorry".

"Are you ok?" The concern was very evident in her voice.

"Uh, yeah. I'm fine. Get the note to forensics; see if our killer left behind any fingerprints or DNA. Then I want to get the handwriting analyzed. Maybe it will help us come up with a preliminary profile".

"Will do. You gonna tell him?"

"Not if I don't have to. This will _kill _him, Lanie".

"Sweetie, be careful, ok? Last time a killer came after you, you're apartment blew up and I spent two weekends and broke three nails helping you move" she joked, trying to lighten the conversation.

After hanging up with Lanie, Kate finally got around to answering Castle's text.

_I'll be there in 20._

She took a security detail with her, deciding that even if she couldn't make him feel better, at least she would keep him safe. The whole way to his loft she wrestled with herself over whether she should tell him about the note or not. He would most certainly want to know about any evidence and there was a slight chance he could point them in the right direction as far as who might have a desire to hurt him. At the same time, however, she knew that this information could be his undoing in such a fragile state. She didn't like thinking of him that way, _fragile_. Castle was a strong man, full of verve, color and life. How would she ever get that man back if he started blaming himself for Alexis' death?

She arrived at his loft far too soon because she hadn't yet worked out what she was going to say to him. She left the security detail behind and stepped onto the elevator. The ride up to his loft was also far too short. When she knocked on the door, it opened quickly, revealing an exasperated Castle. His face softened when he saw her and he motioned for her to come in.

"What's going on?" she asked as she walked inside and took off her coat. She was nervous about this new annoyed Castle she was meeting.

"Reporters" was all he said. From this she inferred that the press had found out about Alexis' murder.

She nodded, sensing that he didn't really want to talk about it. "Where's Meredith?"

"She's in the guest room. She took a couple of sleeping pills and went to bed. Still hasn't talked to anyone. Which is practically impossible for Meredith".

"I'm sorry" she said frowning. "I can tell you're worried about her".

He didn't respond, he only grabbed her hand and pulled her into his office. He shut the door and pulled her to him. He held her close, arms encircling her waist, hers around his shoulders. He put his face in her neck and breathed her in. She liked the feeling of his scruff tickling her skin. She lightly ran her fingers up and down his back, feeling him relax at her touch. Gradually and for no apparent reason he began to sway them back and forth, in some simple, slow, comforting dance. She pulled away first, missing his warmth and hating the conversation they were about to have.

"Sit down" she commanded softly. "I have to talk to you about something".

He complied and sat down on the couch. She paced in front of him nervously, trying to find the right words to say. After deciding that there were no right words, she sat down beside him and asked "Can you think of any reason why someone would want to hurt you?"

"You think that someone would attack Alexis to hurt me?"

"It's a possible motive that we need to look into". It was a lie. It was not a _possible _motive, it was _the _motive. But she wasn't going to mention the note unless absolutely necessary.

"I suppose it could be some crazed fan. I'll look through my fan mail to see if anything pops out". He said, eager to have something he could help with.

"Actually, I've already looked through it. It's at the precinct. None of them seem to threaten her. I think this may be more personal. Can you think of anybody recently who feels you may have wronged them?"

"No, I really can't think of anyone…" he paused and sensing the change in her, asked "Kate, what aren't you telling me?"

Damn that man if he couldn't always see right through her. Suddenly she felt so stupid for thinking that she could avoid telling him about the note.

"Lanie found something. It was a note".

"A note?" he replied, clearly confused.

"Yeah, the killer put it in her mouth" she sounded almost sheepish.

His shock kept him silent for a long time. Kate could tell he simply didn't know what to do or say.

"What did it say?" he finally responded.

"It implied that he hurt Alexis to get to you".

"It _implied_? What the hell does that mean?" he angered quickly, knowing that she was keeping the truth from him, causing him to shout. "Just tell me what the damn thing said!"

She shook her head at him, communicating that she understood it was not her he was actually mad at. Without a word, she pulled her phone from her pocket. She found the picture of the note that Lanie had sent her and handed it to Castle. Kate recognized the second he grasped the meaning of the note. His hands dropped to his sides and the color drained from his face. He wore an expression of guilt that made her sick to her stomach. He stood up, handed her phone back and walked out of the room. Thinking that maybe he needed a moment alone, she didn't intend to follow him but as soon as she heard the front door open and slam shut, she leapt up and ran after him. He shouldn't be walking around the city alone in his condition, especially when someone could be after him.

She was grateful that she had left her shoes on; she would have to hurry to catch up to him. She flew out into the hall and determined from the still slightly ajar door, that he had taken the stairs instead of the elevator. As she entered the stairwell, she could hear his hurried footsteps below her and looked down to see him practically running. She called after him as she chased but he never turned around. Eventually, they reached the bottom floor and Kate was furious when she saw him walk past the security detail. They were so distracted flirting with a cute dog walker that they didn't even notice as he strode out of the building. She darted out after him only to discover that he had hit the street sprinting. She called out after him again but he didn't turn back. Finally, she accepted his need to blow off some steam, and retreated. She told herself that he would be back as soon as he got his head right. After all, he had left in such a rush that he had no shoes or coat. How far could he get without those? She had to tell herself that, because the truth, that Castle was alone, hours after learning about his daughter's murder and blaming himself for her death, was too much for Kate to handle.

* * *

A/N: Thanks again to all readers and reviewers, you guys are great! Please continue to let me know how I'm doing. Side note: The Giving Tree is a fantastic book! If you haven't read it in a awhile, read it again. It's profound and beautiful in a way I couldn't possibly understand as a kid. Maybe Kate is Castle's "giving tree"? "Once there was a tree... and she loved a little boy". Thoughts?


	8. Chapter 8

Kate walked back into Castle's building with a sinking feeling in her stomach. _What if he got hurt? What if he hurt himself? What if he didn't come back? _As a homicide detective, it didn't take her long to come up with the worst case scenario.

After giving the security detail a thorough tongue lashing for their carelessness, she returned to the loft. When she walked in, Martha was seated at the bar in the kitchen with her head in her hands. At hearing the front door open and close, she looked up expectantly but her face fell when she realized Beckett returned alone, her son nowhere to be found.

"Where is Richard?" the worry evident in her shaky, weak voice.

"I don't know" she answered honestly.

"What happened?" There was a hint of blame in Martha's voice that made a pang of guilt bounce around Beckett's stomach. She didn't feel like explaining herself.

"The Medical Examiner found a new piece of evidence. I didn't want to tell him about it but I had to ask him some questions. It was to find his Alexis' killer!" She could feel herself getting defensive but that was only because deep inside, she really did blame herself for Castle's swift departure and whatever consequences that departure might bring.

"What kind of evidence?" Martha asked with both disapproval and curiosity.

"The killer left a note".

"What did it say?"

Instead of answering, she again pulled up the picture of the note on her phone and handed it to Martha. There was something about the words it used that made it impossible for her to read it out loud. Angry tears welled up in the woman's eyes after reading it.

"Are you crazy? Showing that note to my son after he has just lost his daughter? How heartless can you be?" At first her voice was dripping with disdain but it evolved into downright yelling "Now, there's a psychopath on the loose, trying to get to him and he's alone on the streets, sad, ashamed and no doubt worried about your safety too!"

The words cut straight to Kate's heart and she hung her head. "You're right, Martha. I screwed up. I knew this would destroy him. I shouldn't have let him see it but he just wouldn't let it go. I wanted so badly to find the man who did this that I didn't try hard enough to protect him".

Martha's face softened a bit, realizing that Beckett didn't need any help beating herself up over it. She simply shook her head, almost with pity and walked back up to her room.

Kate sat in the kitchen, filled with guilt, feeling like the world was coming down right on top of her head. She needed to find Castle. She needed to fix this. The first thing she needed to figure out was if Castle still had his cell phone with him. He usually kept it in his pocket so there was a good chance that even though he left without shoes or a coat, he might have his phone. She searched his office and his bedroom but not finding it, concluded that he must still have it. She took a steadying breath and dialed his number. It went straight to voicemail indicating that he had turned it off. She considered just hanging up, but on the off chance that he decided to check his messages, she decided to leave one.

"Hey, Castle. It's me" she paused, not really sure of what to say. "I'm so sorry. You're not to blame for what happened to Alexis and I never should have shown you that note. I messed up and you're in pain because of it". She paused again, trying to find the right words to get him to come back. "If you get this, just please call me". She could tell now that she sounded desperate but she didn't care. "Please, Rick, come home".

She hung up the phone and fought back the tears that were threatening to surface again. The mental picture of his face after reading that note was enough to tear her apart at the seams. She pushed that image out of her head by calling Esposito for an update on the case.

"Esposito" answered the voice at the other end.

"Hey, it's Beckett. Please tell me you've found something that will get this case solved. I don't know how much more of this Castle can take" she said exhaustedly.

"Lanie just called me she said that…"

"Wait, why did Lanie call you first?" she interrupted. Something territorial sparked within her and suddenly she was feeling defensive again. "I may not be in the precinct because I'm dealing with Castle's family but this is still _my case_! Do you guys think that I can't handle this?"

"Jeez, I'm sorry, Beckett. No one was tryin' to step on your toes. Lanie just said that you had some hard news for Castle and she thought it would be better if she didn't interrupt you. That's all. You're still the boss". His tone was apologetic and Kate could tell he was a little injured that she had accused him of cutting her out.

"I'm sorry, Esposito. I don't know what that was about. Things aren't going very well with Castle right now so I snapped at you. Sorry".

"It's ok, really, but what's going on with Castle?"

"He wanted to know what the note said, so I showed it to him. I never should have, but I did anyway and he took off. He went running out of the loft" she said regretfully.

"Oh man".

"I'm worried about him. He's alone, he's not answering his phone, he doesn't have his coat, or any shoes, and it's _freezing _today". She was surprised at how much she sounded like a mother hen. "I don't know… I just… I have a really bad feeling that he's in danger".

"Well, he'll probably come back soon. Sometimes a guy just needs to get out of the house to clear his head. But we'll get some patrol cars out looking for him anyway. Maybe we'll get lucky".

"That's great. Thanks Esposito. What was it that Lanie called about?"

"Oh yeah, I almost completely forgot! She figured out what the killer used to strangle Alexis with". He paused and she could hear the flipping pages of his notepad, trying to find the exact information. "Here is it. He used a ½ inch diameter white polyester rope. It was smooth but left a braided pattern so it either is, or is similar to yacht line. Along with the polyester fibers she found in the wound track, she also found a hair which she thinks belongs to some kind of animal. They're working to identify it right now".

"Yacht rope and animal hair? That doesn't make any sense? What kind of animal would you put on a boat?" Kate was racking her brain trying to come up with a connection, but finding none. "Ok. I'm headed back to the precinct so I'll see you soon".

"Alrighty".

"Oh and Esposito?"

"Yeah?"

"I really am sorry about unloading on you. I know you always have my back. I'm trying to get this case solved _and_ be here for Castle and I realize that the only reason I've been able to do both is because I know I can trust you and Ryan to hold down the fort while I'm gone".

"You got it boss" he replied, touched that she had so much faith in him and his partner. He knew how important this case was to her. And to Castle. "And hey, don't worry, we'll find Castle. He'll be ok".

After hanging up with Esposito, she Left a note for Martha, asking her to call if she heard from Castle. She left instructions for the security detail and then made her way back to the precinct, updating the murder board upon her arrival.

Kate sat and stared at the white board, trying like hell to focus on the case but her mind always drifted back to Castle. _Where was he? Was he ok? If he were, wouldn't he have called?_ She was really starting to get panicky when 8pm rolled around. She tried his phone again but it was still turned off. Finally, she decided she needed to take matters into her own hands. She stood up from her desk, walked out to her car and started driving. Rain began to fall steadily and she hoped that wherever Castle was, he was at least staying dry.

Initially, she didn't really have a plan; all she knew was that she needed to find him. She started thinking about all of the placed he could possibly be and visited them one by one. First was Remy's and The Old Haunt. No luck. Then she hit a series of coffee shops she knew he liked to visit, but Castle wasn't at any of them. He often liked to go to the New York Public Library when he was a kid but she struck out there as well. Finally, she figured out that she was going about this all wrong, Castle wouldn't revisit his own childhood, he would revisit Alexis'. That's when she remembered him telling her that when Alexis was little, he used to take her to the 70th Street Playground every afternoon. She couldn't explain it, but somehow she just knew he was there.

The drive across town was brutal; the rain was coming down hard causing all kinds of traffic. Kate practically willed the cars to move the whole way to the park and when she finally arrived there, the rain tapered off into a drizzle. She quickly scanned the area until her eyes rested upon a hunched over figure sitting on a bench facing the swing set. Looking at the pitiful shape that she knew had to be Castle, her heart sank. She wanted nothing more than to give him peace; she would trade her life if that's what it took.

She approached him slowly, and stopped about 15 yards away, half worried that she might scare him away again and half worried that she couldn't handle seeing him this way up close. She wasn't sure of what her next move should be when he spoke up for her.

"You found me" he said; head still hanging down, rain dripping off his hair and down his face. "I wish you hadn't. I'm not ready to go yet".

* * *

A/N: This chapter feels a little slow to me. Anyone else? I'll try to pick up the pace a bit next time. As always, please let me know what you think! I love reviews like a fat kid love cake.


	9. Chapter 9

"You found me" he said; head still hanging down, rain dripping off his hair and down his face. "I wish you hadn't. I'm not ready to go yet".

"You're not ready to go yet, or you're not ready to let go yet?" Kate asked.

"Both".

She wanted to give him some space, she didn't want to scare him off again but she could no longer fight the urge to be near him. She walked over and sat down next to him on the bench, taking care not to sit too close. The rain was still falling softly but steadily. Wearing no coat or shoes, he was shaking from the cold and she could see he was soaked to the bone. She fought the desire to reach out and hold him against her to warm him.

"I used to bring her here. I used to push her on those swings for hours. Even when it was snowing. She never wanted to leave" he remembered with a mournful chuckle.

They sat there on that rainy park bench as silent minutes ticked by while Castle was caught in no man's land between longing to remember and dying to forget.

Sometime later, he spoke again. "Is this my fault, Kate? Because it feels like my fault".

"No, Rick" she answered with nothing but compassion and sympathy. "This is not your fault. This guy is trying to mess with your head. The only person at fault here is him. _He's_ the one to blame. _He's _the one who took her".

"She was _my_ little girl. It was my job to protect her and I failed".

"You didn't fail, Castle. People do horrible things. You've been working with me long enough that you should understand that by now. Sometimes there's no rhyme or reason to it. There was nothing you could have possibly done to warrant this" she said as sincerely and convincingly as she could.

"He even said it was my fault though".

"I never should have shown you that note. I'm so sorry that I did. But that man is crazy. He killed an innocent young girl, are you really going to listen to what he has to say?"He began to answer but she continued before he had a chance. "Don't listen to him, listen to me. Alexis lived a full, wonderful life. She was happy and vivacious and smart and kind all _because of you_. She always felt safe and loved _because of you_. You didn't fail her".

His skin was wet with the rain but she could tell there were tears streaming down his face as well. She moved closer to him and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. For the first time since her arrival he turned his head to look at her. She brought her free hand up to his cheek and leaned her forehead against his. They shared a kiss. It wasn't deep or passionate but sweet and comforting. And the moment their lips met, they could both swear that just for an instant, the rain stopped falling.

She was prepared to sit there with him as long as he needed. She would stay all night if she had to but she felt him shudder under her arm and she remembered how cold he must be. He had been out all day barefoot and coatless and she was getting worried about his health.

"You're freezing. Let's go to the car" she suggested, hoping that she wasn't pushing him too far too fast.

"Ok. I'm ready to go now". He didn't say it but she heard his meaning. He was ready to let go now too.

Hand in hand, they made their way to the car. She shed her coat which was thankfully thick enough to keep her clothes dry and turned the heat up all the way. Neither said a word the entire way back to the loft. When they walked in, Martha was sitting on the couch, drink in hand. She looked over her son, soaking wet and shivering with the cold. "Oh, Richard" was all she could say.

"I'm ok, Mother. I'm just tired. I'm gonna get some sleep" he tried to reassure her.

He walked back into his bedroom and Kate followed. She helped him peel off his wet t-shirt, jeans and socks and went to hang them over the tub in the bathroom while he put on a pair of dry boxer shorts. After dealing with his clothes and sending a quick text to Ryan and Esposito letting them know she found him, she returned to the bedroom. She touched his shoulder gently and began to tell him that she would sleep on the couch so he could get some rest but the words died in her throat at the realization that his skin was as cold as ice.

"Oh God, Rick. You're still really cold. Here," she said pointing at the bed, "Get in".

He lay down and she pulled the covers over him. She walked around to the other side of the bed and stripped down to her bra and panties. She climbed in and scooted close up behind him, pressing herself to his back. At first she trembled at the feel of his icy skin on hers. She wrapped her arms around his torso and buried her face into his neck, planting a few gentle kisses there before relaxing her head onto his shoulder. Soon his shivers were soothed by her warm body and soft caresses. He fell asleep quickly, exhausted after such an emotional day. Her last thought before joining him was how nice it was to fall asleep like this, in each other's arms.

He woke in the middle of the night and looked down to find her green eyes watching him.

Realizing that it was about 2am and she was awake, he quickly became concerned. "Are you okay?" he asked.

She nodded. Somehow during the past few hours, they had shifted. He was lying on his back and she had her head on his chest with one of her legs resting over his.

She had spent the past hour watching him sleep and thinking about how so much had changed so fast for them. It reminded her that life is short, just a collection of fleeting moments. Two days ago, Alexis was alive, happy and making plans for a future. Then in the blink of an eye, it was all over. She didn't want to waste anymore time playing games with him. She cared about him, she wanted to be with him, and she needed to tell him how she felt because if there's one thing Kate Beckett knew for sure, it was that tomorrow was not a guarantee.

"I wanna tell you something…" she began.

Before she lost her nerve, she jumped in head first.

"I care for you, more than a partner, more than a friend. You've been much more than that to me for a long time now. I hate that I've found myself needing you, but it doesn't change that fact that I do". She couldn't look into his eyes anymore for fear of seeing rejection in his face so she turned her head to the side and rested her cheek back down on his chest before continuing. "And I know this is incredibly bad timing for this but I'm tired of wasting time, pretending that I don't want to be with you. So if this is too much, I understand. I'll be here for you however you want me to be, but I wanted you to know how I feel, just in case I never get another chance to tell you". She finished her speech by placing a quick kiss on his chest.

He didn't say anything and she looked up at him to try to figure out if he wasn't responding because he was horrified or because he was too shocked for words. It was neither. He gazed back at her, a small smile gracing his sad features. "It's been three years, Kate. How can you still not see how much you mean to me?"

His words were simple and plain but their meaning made Kate's heart leap in her chest. She scooted up to kiss him passionately, both of them revealing in the kiss what they had waited so long to say. She rolled on top of him, straddling his waist. Her hands wandered up into his hair as his explored her hips and the smooth skin of her back. Their kisses grew more heated and impatient as their tongues tangled together. Her lips moved down his jaw to his neck. She sucked and nipped playfully at the tender flesh there and he sighed in contentment. She continued her journey down his body leaving hot, wet kisses on his chest and abdomen, slowly rocking her hips into him as she went.

His hands were busy, his fingertips trying to memorize every one of her curves. They made their way around her back to unclasp her bra then up to her shoulders, sliding the straps down her arms until she was free of it. He lifted his head off the pillow and she gasped as he sucked a nipple into his mouth, rolling it with his tongue and squeezing it between his lips. She tugged at his hair and whimpered when he gave the other the same treatment. His hardness protruding into her leg was as difficult to ignore as the burning ache in her core. She needed him. She needed to feel a part of him.

She climbed off of the bed and chuckled when he sighed disappointedly at their loss of contact. She stood and removed her panties then knelt back down on the bed next to him, running a finger under the elastic of his boxers teasingly. He lifted his hips and helped her remove them, groaning when she grabbed his throbbing length. Her desire to feel him inside of her was overshadowed by a new desire to hear him make that sound again. Still looking into his eyes, she leaned her head forward and licked his straining erection from base to tip. She twirled her tongue around the head eliciting another moan before fully taking it into her mouth. She slid him in and out of her mouth one, two, three times before he stopped her, worried that if she kept that up, he wouldn't last much longer. She released him and moved back up his body, dragging her teeth along his chest until she was straddling him once again.

Remembering to ask what he forgot last night he said "Kate do we need a…"

"I got it covered". She always knew what he was thinking.

She positioned herself on her knees and sank down on his rock hard member in one languid movement. They both inhaled sharply at the sensation. She set a moderate rhythm, lifting herself so only his tip was inside of her then dropping back down until he was completely buried in her warmth. His hands travelled and kneaded as he rocked his hips in time with hers. Her pace quickened and became more erratic as his hips bucked upwards. No longer in control, their movements became rough and wild. Feeling his climax approaching, he reached in between them and his thumb found the engorged nub inside her wetness. He moved it in slow, firm circles. Unable to control her movements any longer, her hips stilled and she called his name as her orgasm tore through her, leaving her shaking. Her rhythmic contractions around him pulled him over the edge with her and he let out a groan from someplace so deep, he's never known it existed.

She lay down on his chest shivering and his arms wrapped around her protectively.

"Kate, I think if I had you, things could be alright for me" was all he said before they fell asleep.

* * *

A/N: I wasn't planning on having them get all fluffy so soon as it's a little unrealistic, but I feel it was necessary to keep the story moving along. There is still an awful lot of trouble ahead for these two still so don't worry. How'd the smut go for you guys? Better or worse than Ch 2? Would love some more reviews! They keep me motivated and quell my fears of being terribly off track with this storyline! Thanks again for your support and suggestions


	10. Chapter 10

Kate woke in the darkness and realizing that it was far too early to be awake, rolled over, expecting to find a sleeping Castle to snuggle into. Her heart sank when she found cool sheets instead. If she weren't naked and in his bed, she would have seriously wondered if last night was a dream. Heaven knows she'd had similar dreams on many occasions. She slipped out of the bed and covered herself with a white dress shirt she found hanging over the back of a chair. She peered into the living room, and finding no one there, continued her search until she found him at his desk.

"I didn't like finding your side of the bed cold" Kate said with a shy smile as she entered Castle's office.

"Couldn't sleep" was all he replied.

"How long have you been up?" she asked, concerned at the dark circles she found under his blue eyes.

"Awhile".

She wanted him to talk to her, to open up and share what he was feeling but she didn't want to push. If she was patient, he would tell her. But when he spoke again, it wasn't about his wakefulness.

"You look hot in my shirt" he said with a playful grin that reminded her of the way he used to flirt with her, before he lost his daughter. The look seemed foreign on him now. She gave him a sexy smirk anyway.

"I like it" she said walking over to him. "It smells like you. Maybe I'll take it home with me".

"It's yours".

He scooted his chair back and she sat down on his lap. This, she decided was her new favorite way to sit. His chair was roomy enough for the both of them and she like being close to him, she liked this intimacy, she liked feeling his warmth around her. It was a reassurance that they were both still there. Now that she was closer, Kate noticed just how tired he really was.

"Did you get _any _sleep" she asked, smoothing the worried creases on his forehead with her thumb. His eyes closed at her soothing touch.

"A little. I woke up after an hour or so".

"Rick, you need to get some rest".

"I just can't get my mind to turn off" he replied, finally opening his eyes and looking into hers. "It doesn't help that every time I close my eyes, I see her. And him".

She waited silently for him to continue, sensing that he had more he needed to say.

"And I'm worried about you". He looked away, not sure what her reaction would be.

"About me? You don't need to be worried about me. I'm fine. Everything is gonna be ok" she tried to reassure him.

"He threatened you, Kate. He's trying to take everything from me and you're all I have left" he paused, considering something. "What if I hired a private security detail to follow you around until this is over?"

"It's very sweet of you to worry about me, Castle but I can take care of myself".

"Kate, you're the strongest person I've ever met. I know you can take care of yourself, but that doesn't mean that I'm not gonna try to take care of you".

His sincerity brought tears to her eyes and she continued her assurances that he didn't need to worry about her. "Listen to me," she put her hand under his chin and forced him to look into her eyes. "There are two patrolmen outside. We're safe here. I work in a _police station_. The only time I would ever be vulnerable is driving between here and there, and even then, I'm armed!"

"Yeah, I know, I just… I can't lose you. I couldn't survive it". It was his turn to tear up.

"I'm not going anywhere." She grinned at him tenderly. "Now will you please come back to bed?"

He let her lead him back into his bedroom. She smiled as he flopped face first onto the bed, reminding her that his inner child was still alive and kicking. She pulled the covers over him and crawled in by his side. Between her calming, even breaths and the circles she was rubbing on his back, sleep found him rather quickly.

Kate woke again to the buzzing of her phone on the nightstand. The day's first rays of sunlight were finding their way through the window as she read the text message from the Medical Examiner.

_Have more info on case. You coming in or you wanna call me?_

She looked over at Castle and was grateful that he still seemed to be sleeping soundly. She didn't want to leave him or the warm bed but she had work to do.

**Be there in an hour.**

She showered, changed, had a cup of coffee and was about to leave when she remembered the sleeping man in the next room. She didn't want to wake him, but she also didn't want him to wake up alone, not knowing where she went. A note seemed like the best option.

_Castle,_

_Lanie told me she has more info on the case so I went to the precinct. I know you're tired and I didn't want to wake you. There is coffee brewed in the kitchen. I'll call you later._

She paused, considering leaving what she was about to say out, but deciding it couldn't hurt to show a little of her softer side, she wrote:

_I'm happy about this. Us I mean. You make me happy. _

_KB_

She snuck back into his room and placed the note on the pillow next to him before leaving for the precinct.

"Hope I didn't wake you up too early" Lanie said noticing her friend's exhaustion as she entered the morgue. "You look like you coulda used a little more beauty sleep".

"Yeah I didn't get much last night" Kate said distractedly. Lanie's eyebrow shot up and she realized her words may have revealed more than initially intended.

"Care to share?"

"You first. Tell me what you found."

"We ran tests on the animal hair I found on Alexis. It was a horse hair".

"A horse hair?" Kate asked, obviously puzzled by this strange piece of evidence.

"Mmhmm. It isn't necessarily from the killer though. You knew Alexis pretty well, is there any reason she would be around horses? Maybe Castle owns one or something" Lanie mused.

"No, I think he would hold out for a unicorn. Besides, the only time I've ever heard him talk about horses is when he told us about the time he stole a police horse and rode it around completely naked".

They laughed at the memory and both were thankful for a little light-hearted conversation in such a bleak situation.

"Speaking of naked Castle, you wanna tell me why you didn't get much sleep last night?" Lanie asked as her eyebrow crept back up into its previous skeptical position.

"We slept together again" she replied. "I told him that even though it was crappy timing, I'm tired of hiding and that I wanna be with him".

"Well, look at you! Using your words like a big girl".

"Ha ha, Lanie" she said sardonically. "You know how hard it is for me to talk about what I'm feeling".

"That I do, girl. I'm proud of you. So what did he say?"

A smile spread across Kate's face at remembering his words. "He asked me how, after three years, I still don't know what I mean to him".

Lanie's broad smile at this information even outshined Kate's.

"I don't know what it means or what we are, but I'm glad I told him. I feel good about this" Beckett said thoughtfully.

"Well, I'm just glad you two finally pulled your heads outta your asses".

"Wow. Thanks, Lanie. What a sweet thing to say" she chuckled. "As much as I'd like to stay here and receive more criticism, I need to get back to work".

After leaving a grinning Lanie in the morgue, Kate made her way up to the bullpen to update the murder board and was met by Esposito and Ryan.

"Hey boss. What'd Lanie have to say?" Esposito inquired.

"The animal hair she found on the body came from a horse. But based on her activities before the murder, I can't think of any reason that Alexis would have a horse hair on her".

"Must be from our doer. It fits with the murder weapon too!" Ryan chimed in excitedly. After seeing the confused looks on his colleague's faces he continued. "Horse trainers use smooth, braided rope, a lot like yacht line. She was strangled with a horse lead rope!"

"So our killer works with horses. That ought to narrow it down, there aren't many horses in Manhattan" Esposito theorized.

"Wait a minute… horses" Kate mumbled, deep in thought. She suddenly darted for the fan letters that were on still on her desk and rifled through them almost frantically. "I read a letter from one of those guys who drives a horse drawn carriage in the park. Here it is". She held it up and began reading aloud from the letter. "Dear Mr. Castle, my name is Simon. You may or may not remember me but I was the driver of the horse-drawn carriage you and your lovely girlfriend Gina rode in last month. I have been a fan of yours for many years and have kept tabs on your private life as well as your career. I am also very well acquainted with Ms. Gina Griffin's affairs. She and I met a few years ago, shortly after your divorce and though I was immediately smitten, she was immune to my charms. The purpose of this friendly note is to remind you, Mr. Castle, that you are a very lucky man and that now you have decided to reconcile with her, you have an obligation to eliminate all obstacles standing in the way of her happiness. I will be very disappointed if your foolishness breaks her heart yet again. Rest assured I will be keeping an eye on you. Best of luck with your upcoming novel".

"'I'll be keeping an eye on you'? Jesus, this guy sounds a little batty" Ryan remarked.

"This is kid stuff. You should read the other letters. There are lots of psychos who love Richard Castle. I wouldn't have even given this guy a second look if it weren't for that horse hair" Beckett replied.

"Is there a last name?"

"No, it just says Simon. There's no return address on the envelope either" Esposito added.

"It sounds to me like this Simon may have been stalking Gina. You two get in touch with her, see if she can give us a name. I'm gonna talk to Castle and find out if he knows about this guy".

As soon as the commands were out of her mouth, Ryan and Esposito were scurrying around searching for Gina's contact information and Beckett was out the door on her way to Castle's loft; all were anxious and fired up about the new lead, knowing that they might be one step closer to getting justice for Alexis and Castle.

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A/N: My sincerest apologies for how long it has taken me to update. I really hope that you guys are still into this story even though this is the first new chapter in such a LONG time. Review and let me know if there is still interest in this story or if you have completely forgotten about it after this extended hiatus!


	11. Chapter 11

Kate knocked softly on Castle's door. Given the way the past few days and nights seemed to blur together, one or all of the loft's occupants could have been asleep. Her knock was answered a moment later by Martha.

"Ah. Kate. I'm glad you're here" she said stepping aside, allowing Beckett to enter. "I was hoping you would stop by. I want to apologize for what I said to you yesterday".

"Oh, Martha. There's no need to apologize, really. You were right to be upset. I made a bad call and things could have gone very badly because of it".

"Well you may have made a bad call, but I had no right to speak to you the way I did. You are doing everything you can to find the man who did this. You have been nothing but compassionate and supportive. I don't know if Richard would make it through this if he didn't have you holding him together. I blamed you for driving him away, but the truth is I know you care for him".

"I do. Very much".

"And he's the better for it dear". Martha's sincere response brought a grateful smile to Kate's face.

"Is he awake?" she asked remembering that this visit wasn't just for personal purposes and she needed to ask him some questions about the case.

"He is. I think he's in his office".

His eyes lit up when she entered the room and her heart fluttered at the realization that she had that affect on him. She sat down on the couch and patted the seat next to her.

"Come here".

He walked over and sat next to her. His hand reached up, lightly caressing her cheek and she leaned into his touch while taking his free hand into hers on her lap.

"I have to ask you some questions about the case. Am I gonna find you on a park bench trying to get hypothermia if I do?" she asked half joking.

He smiled a bit at her candid remarks. She was sensitive but not afraid to be blunt. He loved that about her.

"Ask me whatever you need to. You have to find this guy at all costs".

She nodded in understanding. "Lanie found a horse hair". She purposely left out the words _on the body_. "Can you think of any reason that Alexis would have a horse hair on her?"

"Nothing comes to mind" he chuckled mournfully at his next thought. "She actually hates horses; they scare her". His face fell and he corrected himself, "Scared her".

"Then we are going to assume that it came from our killer. We found a fan letter that you received a few months ago from a man named Simon. It wasn't particularly threatening but he works with horses so we're looking into him. We also think that he may have been stalking Gina. Did she ever mention anything about him?"

"His name is Simon?" He paused a moment, trying hard to remember anything that could help. "No, I don't think I've ever heard of him".

She hesitated to tell him the contents of the letter, knowing that she had to be careful about the way she delivered this information. She didn't want him running off again, blaming himself like yesterday.

"In his letter he mentioned that he drives a horse drawn carriage for a living and that you and Gina rode in his carriage awhile back. Any chance you remember him? What he looked like maybe?"

"You mean I met this guy?" he said in shock and surprise.

"He claims that you did. He's just a suspect right now, Castle; I don't have any evidence yet. I just need your help finding him so I can bring him in for questioning". She was trying to keep him calm. The fact that he may have come face to face with his daughter's murderer only a few months ago would be difficult for him to swallow. She also didn't want to get his hopes up in case this lead didn't pan out.

"Umm" he racked his brain trying to trying to remember. "We took a ride through Central Park a few months ago but I don't remember anything about the driver".

"It's ok, Castle" She could sense he was getting frustrated with himself. "Ryan and Esposito are talking to Gina to see if she knows anything. The parks department owns most of the carriages that run through Central Park so I'm gonna talk to them and see if we can get an ID".

He nodded. "Kate?" he gathered his fortitude to ask his next question. "Did anything in his letter explain why he did it?" His tone was almost hopeful. He could sense her hesitation and realized that after his reaction to yesterday's information, she was obviously worried that he might lose it again so he tried to reassure her. "You can tell me. I'm not gonna go MIA again, I promise".

Accepting his guarantee that he wouldn't run away again, she answered his question. "Apparently he had met Gina previously and was quite taken with her but she wasn't interested. When you two got back together, he was content that she be happy with you but cautioned that you'd better not let any of the obstacles that forced you apart the first time get in the way again".

"So you think that he was angry with me for ending things with Gina and since Alexis was one of those 'obstacles' the last time, he went after her". His voice had a hint of defeat in it.

"It's possible but it's just a theory, Castle. Like I said, there isn't any real evidence pointing to him yet".

"I understand".

"I need to get back to the 12th. Are you ok?" she asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Maybe I'll try to get Meredith out of her room".

"She still isn't talking to anyone huh?"

"Nope. I'm really worried about her. You know how dramatic she is, I was expecting some huge scene but not saying anything is much worse".

"I guess it's just her way of dealing. It'll get better. For both of you" she said.

"I believe you".

She stood up and gave him a lingering kiss on the cheek. Ever since they reached this new level in their relationship, it was getting harder and harder to leave his side but she knew that catching Alexis' killer was the most important step in the healing process. With that thought, she left for the precinct.

Stepping off the elevator, she saw Ryan and Esposito waiting for her at her desk.

"Hey, Beckett" Esposito began. "We spoke with Gina. She knew _exactly _who we were talking about when we mentioned Simon. The guy's a bona fide stalker. Didn't have a last name for him though. He's been sending her letters for years but since none of them were overtly threatening, she didn't feel the need to report him. She did however still have some of his letters".

It was Ryan's turn. "Most of them are telling her how beautiful she is, what a successful life she leads, blah blah blah, but during the summer, after she got back together with Castle, his letters change. He asks things like 'why would you choose a playboy who will break your heart again over a nice guy like me'. Eventually, it seems, he comes to accept her choice because he starts claiming that he only wants to see her happy and I quote, 'no matter the cost'".

Esposito chimed back in with "the letters seem to stop after that until a month ago when he sent one final letter". He held up the letter and began to read it aloud. "Dearest Gina, it pains me to say I told you so. I begged you to listen to reason but you would not and now Playboy Ricky has broken your heart yet again. Based on the numerous arguments you were heard having publically, it seems his daughter has come between you a second time. Not to mention his new 'muse'. But keep your chin up darling. I will fix this. Yours, as always, Simon".

Kate jumped up from her seat and grabbed the picture of the note found in Alexis' mouth off of the murder board. "Look at the language he uses in his letter. He calls Castle 'Ricky' and me his 'muse'. It's the same, see?" she said reading the note, "Silly _Ricky_, you brought this on yourself. Your '_muse'_ is the next to go".

"Oh my God. We didn't even notice" Ryan was almost breathless at the connection.

"That's our guy. It's gotta be" added Esposito.

"We still need to find him though. You guys go down to Central Park. Ask around; see if you can find another carriage driver who knows Simon. We might get lucky. I'm gonna call the parks department and find out if he was on their payroll or not".

"On it" Ryan and Esposito said in unison.

After a being on hold for 20 minutes and talking with an overly chatty HR secretary, Kate had a name and an address. She called the boys and told them not to bother with the park, as their suspect, Simon Marconi, had quit his job driving a carriage last week. She told them instead to meet her at Marconi's apartment so they could bring him in.

Kate didn't realize how quickly the last few hours had passed until she was sitting in evening rush hour traffic. Marconi's apartment was across town above a jazz club on West 43rd. The traffic gave her time to review the facts of the case and she allowed herself to be hopeful that they had found the man they were looking for.

That hope was shattered as the team discovered that Marconi's apartment was empty. It wasn't just that he was gone, but many of his belongings appeared to be gone too. They did however, find a shrine to Gina. Many of the pictures contained both her and Castle, but his face was scratched out entirely. They talked to his neighbor and found out that Simon had abruptly moved out the previous day and he seemed to be in a rush. Beckett instructed the team to sweep every inch of the place. If he were in such a hurry, he may have been careless and left something behind, maybe a clue to where he was going, or perhaps evidence.

She stepped out into the cool night air. Being in the apartment of the man who murdered Alexis was proving to be a bit overwhelming. She became physically sick at seeing the pictures with Castle's face scratched out. She was just about to call him and let him reassure her that he was ok when Esposito shouted down to her from the second story window.

"Yo, Beckett! I think we found the murder weapon!"

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A/N: Wowza. I'm so glad you are all still with me! I was worried that after not posting for so long, you may have lost interest! Thank you all for your encouraging reviews! Keep 'em coming... they keep me motivated :) Oh and let me know if this is getting a little case-heavy. It's necessary to move the story along but I don't want to lose sight of the relationship that Castle and Beckett are building. Throw me some fluffy ideas for how I can keep them being... you know... cute.


	12. Chapter 12

**The final chapter has arrived! Hope you all enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it!**

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Beckett raced back up the stairs into the apartment to find Ryan holding up a plastic evidence bag containing a rope.

"One of the drawers in the desk had a false bottom" he said proudly.

"Good catch, Ryan" she uttered as she took the bag out of his hands examining it carefully. "It's white polyester and the braid pattern matches the ligature marks. Let's get it to the lab and see if there is any DNA on it. We need this evidence to be concrete. I want this guy to fry". She was aware of the callous fury seeping from her voice but there was something about holding the rope that Alexis was strangled with that filled her with anger.

The drive back to the station afforded her the opportunity to call Castle and update him on their progress. She knew how difficult it was for him to stay out of the investigation. He trusted her with his life and even with his heart, but this was different. This was his little girl and she wanted him to know that she wouldn't let either of them down.

"Castle" he answered. She could hear in his voice how exhausted he was.

"Hey. It's me".

'_It's me'?_ she thought. _When did we get close enough for me to actually say 'it's me'?_

"Hey. How's everything going?" he asked, trying not to sound too hopeful.

"Pretty good. We got a last name for our suspect Simon and an address".

"Did you pick him up?"

"He was gone before we got there. His neighbor said he left in a hurry yesterday. He's still in the wind but we found some solid evidence in his apartment". She didn't want to be more specific. In fact, she shouldn't have told him half of the things she already had about the investigation. It wasn't standard protocol to provide the victim's family with step by step updates, but this wasn't just another victim, this was Alexis. She hoped he wouldn't ask for the details but she knew he would anyway.

And he did. "What did you find?"

"Some photographs of you and Gina and uh…" she hesitated, "the murder weapon".

His end of the phone stayed silent so she continued. "This is a good thing Castle. We know who he is and we have enough to build a case against him now. We just need to track him down. We'll find him".

She could hear him take a deep breath and though couldn't see it but she was pretty sure he was nodding.

"When are you coming home? I mean… uh… if you're done at the precinct maybe you should come over and have some dinner with me. If… if you want I mean".

The way he was stuttering over his words and clearly embarrassed by his slip up of calling his loft her home, made her smile. She thought it was adorable how he was nervous about scaring her away, but little did Castle know she didn't scare so easy anymore when it came to her feelings for him. She was tempted to tease him about it but decided to let it go.

"I need to drop by the precinct real quick but then I'll be over" she responded.

"Ok. See you soon".

After hanging up with Castle, she arrived at the 12th. She updated Montgomery on their progress and grabbed a few files off her desk. On the way back down to her car she realized that if the past few nights were any indicator, she would probably be sleeping at the loft again and decided that stopping by her apartment first to grab some clothes wouldn't be a bad idea. She texted him to let him know she wouldn't be over as soon as she said.

_I forgot I need to drop by my place and grab some clothes. Be over a little later than I thought._

His response came not a minute later.

**No need. You can just sleep naked. I know that's what I'm doing.**

She chuckled as she typed out _Duh. I was already planning on sleeping naked. The clothes are for tomorrow. Interrogating murder suspects while naked is generally not very effective, especially with an ass like mine._

She was grateful that they were able to return to the flirty banter she had been craving from him for days but was disappointed when his answer wasn't clever and teasing but serious and concerned.

**Can you please take someone with you to your apartment? Or I could meet you there? I don't like the idea of you alone while that guy's still on the loose.**

_I'll be fine, Castle. I'll be in and out. Besides, he's running scared. DON'T WORRY. See you soon._

**OK** was all he replied.

Kate walked into her apartment and turned on the lights. Truth be told, she was grateful that she didn't have to stay alone tonight in her apartment. She was almost certain that Marconi wouldn't be stupid enough to come after her but after having her apartment blown up by another stalking psychopath a little over a year ago, she had learned not to take such personal threats so lightly.

She tossed her badge, gun and handcuffs onto the bed, changed into some comfortable clothes and entered the bathroom to retrieve a toothbrush and some other personal hygiene items. She had just grabbed the toothpaste off the sink when she saw something stir out of the corner of her eye. She spun around to see a dark figure leaping out from behind the bathroom door as she was hit in the face with a solid fist which sent her whirling around. She managed to catch herself on the sink but before she could make another move, something tightened around her neck. Still dazed, she reached up to feel what was making it impossible for her to breathe. A rope. Suddenly, all of the pieces fell together. She had been so surprised by the intruder, it had taken her this long to figure out that it was Marconi and he was here to make good on his promise.

She tugged furiously at the rope but was unable to free herself from its grasp as he pulled her out into the bedroom. Trying to land a fist or an elbow on her attacker, she thrashed around frantically, knocking over furniture and lamps as she went but he only tightened his grip. She fell to her knees as the edges of her vision began to blur. Her eyes closed but she continued to fight for consciousness when suddenly, she felt the rope loosen and drop to the floor. She looked up and saw Castle standing in front of them with her gun trained on Marconi. Coughing and choking, she crawled on hands and knees away from her assailant.

Castle kept the gun aimed at the aggressor as she recovered, gasping for breath. Marconi was standing still with his hands in the air but his face held a calm, evil grin.

"So good to see you again, Ricky" he said tauntingly.

She had just begun to breathe normally when she took in Castle's facial expression for the first time. His eyes were gray, almost dead. He was still and focused like stone. He didn't look angry, he just looked hollow. She had never seen this look on him before and was scared of what it meant.

"Get on your knees" he told Marconi.

She saw the same confusion she felt pass over Simon's face.

"Get. On. Your. Knees." He repeated slowly, without an ounce of emotion as he took a step forward. This effectively shut Marconi up and he complied quickly.

Kate knew it was time to intervene. "Castle, what are you doing?" she asked softly.

"I'm gonna kill him. I'm gonna end this" he said coolly, taking two more steps forward. Now the gun was less than a foot away from Marconi's frightened face.

She stood up slowly, knowing that any drastic moves could get somebody killed. "Hang on, Castle. You don't need to do this. Just give me the gun so I can take him in".

"Then what? Maybe he'll spend the rest of his life in prison, but why should he even get a life? Why should he get to live when Alexis is dead?" He cocked his head to the side and never taking his eyes off Marconi, continued, "We could even make it look like self-defense" His tone was cold and calculating. She had never heard him talk like this before. It was like he was an entirely different person.

"Listen to me". She kept her voice low, calm and tender. "If you do this, you won't come back from it. I know you. You're not a killer". She approached him cautiously. "If you pull that trigger, you'll never recover. It will haunt you and I don't want you to have to carry that burden. _Alexis_ wouldn't want you to have to carry that burden". She carefully edged closer to him. "Look at me". He turned his head and his face softened when she placed a hand gently on his cheek. "Please, Rick. Please don't make me live with just your ghost". With her free hand she reached down and slowly took the gun from him, still taking care to keep it aimed at Marconi.

A moment later, Ryan and Esposito came rushing into the room looking flustered and panicked. Their faces relaxed when they saw that the situation was under control. Castle walked passed them without a word back out into the living room.

"What're you guys doing here?" Beckett asked as they handcuffed Marconi.

"Your neighbor called 911 to report a disturbance in your apartment, and considering Marconi threatened you too, we figured we should come make sure you weren't being murdered" Ryan answered.

"Looks like Castle beat us to it though" Esposito added. "By the way, he's the one who kicked in the door, so make him pay for it".

She did her best to smile at their jokes but the intensity of the past few minutes weighing down on her made it nearly impossible. She followed the two detectives as they escorted Marconi out of the bedroom and out to their car.

"We'll take him in. You should probably see a doctor, Beckett. It looks like this asshole did a number on your neck" Esposito said worriedly.

"I'll be fine. Nothing some ice can't fix. Castle and I will come to the precinct in the morning to give our statements. It's been a long night; I don't think either of us are really up to it right now".

Relief struck as she watched them drive away. She hoped Castle was feeling the same as she hurried back up to her apartment. He was still sitting on the couch with his eyes closed when she walked back in and sat down next to him. He opened them and looked down at her. She felt another wave of relief when she saw that his that his eyes no longer filled with anger. They still held the same sadness that she had grown accustomed to over the past few days but also something else, something brighter, something a little like hope. His expression quickly turned to worry as he noticed the bruising around her neck. He gently tilted her chin up so he could get a better look and softly touched the discolored skin.

"Are you ok?" he asked with concern.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks to you".

He shook his head indicating there was no thanks needed.

She finally asked the question she had been dying to ask since he got there. "How did you know to come?"

"I didn't. I was just worried about you being alone. So in typical Richard Castle fashion, I came even when you told me not to. I was about to knock when I heard a crash, then…"

"Then you kicked the door in" she finished for him with a grin on her face. "Very macho by the way".

He smiled and she couldn't imagine a more wonderful sight. She could have lost him tonight and just seeing him smile made her heart soar. Silent tears of thanks started to fall down her cheeks. At seeing this, he pulled her to him and kissed them away. She wrapped her arms around him as he whispered in her ear. "Everything's gonna be ok now". And for the first time, they both believed it.

The End

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A/N: Well, that's all folks! This was a blast to write and I am so thankful for all of the overwhelming support it received! I'm still a little unsure about the ending and even though the story is finished, please send me a review and let me know what I can do better the next time! I'm always trying to improve as a writer and your suggestions are so helpful. Thanks again!


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